That defining moment

Excluding religious illusions, there are very few incidents of man possessing the ability to be completely sure of anything in his/her life. On average, a human being will have three of these experiences. That one defining moment when you're stirred from your apathetic slumber, and awaken to see a simple solution for all of your life's problems. That moment when you realize you were never really apathetic, but lulled into a constant state of boredom by your circumstantial lifestyle.

You promise yourself that night, "Tomorrow is going to be different. No longer shall I stand idly by and wait for the answers to come to me. I'm going to go out and grab life by the balls."

You awaken the next morning with a stiff back to the shrill sounds of the buzzer, announcing itself every morning as a reminder of how truly mundane we are. That burning passion to change the world, or at least the way you perceive it, is gone. You slept through a good ten minutes of your alarm, giving you just enough time to shovel whatever you're passing off as a meal down your throat. The revolutionary of yesterday is buried deep inside a shell of consumerism and corporate slavery. The need to get on with your life is quelled by the need to get on with wasting it. Pawns is all we are.

The struggle

The next few weeks are going to be a test of survival and frugality. I'm working another 5 day straight-week, and need to save at least 60% of this weeks check. I've cut my nicotine costs in half by purchasing several packs of roll-your-own cigarettes for half of the price of filtered ones. Due to the ridiculous cost of gas, I've decided for the next few weeks until I move closer to work, I'll be sleeping in the parking lot on my consecutive work days. I've already gotten a lot of scorn for this from my girlfriend, friends, and family, but desperate times call for desperate measures. As far as hygiene, I'm not too concerned. There's showers in the locker rooms and I've got all of the basic hygiene products I should need.

Just a heads up to everyone, I probably won't be posting much over the next few weeks.

Thanks, google.

So not only was my appeal denied, but the person who click-bombed me still has an approved adsense account. I provided proof that I was purposefully banned, and proof of who it was who did it. What more do you want, one of my testicles?

Don't Go Outside

I believe it was the winter of '08, or possibly '09, somewhere between graduating high school and screwing around for 2 years before college. There was a weather advisory telling people to stay indoors, the snow was reaching a foot or so, and the temperature was at least negative twenty fahrenheit. There was the three of us, Brett, Izzy and myself, tromping through the snow in worn sneakers and torn hoodies. How we made it the mile through the woods, I'm unsure. The liquor kept us warm, but has since wiped that section of the trip clear from my memory.

As we strolled through the mall parking lot, we noticed the security entrance, stuck open by a mound of snow. At this point, any source of warmth was welcoming. A feeling of relaxation came over me, walking through the mall at 2 in the morning, surrounded by emptiness and closed stores. By the time we made it to the other side of the mall, still wet around the ankles, we came out satisfied with that brief period of warmth. This made the last mile or two of our trip much less taxing, however the feeling of relief upon arrival changed very little.

I guess this is one of those few times you hear about innocent breaking and entering, also one of the few times it has had a good outcome. There isn't really much of a message or any morals to this story, just an event that poked its head from my subconscious and ended up here.

Has it been this long?

I remember the day we planted the willow trees in my front yard. The balmy breeze was a relief as the sun stared down through the humid air. One of those days where you'd rather walk or bike to the store than drive because the seats would burn your back.

Years have passed, and I've barely payed them any mind. The repetitive motions of departing quickly and collapsing into a ball of tired back-ache upon arrival have left me blind to their beauty.

For the first time in years, I walked around my front yard. So accustomed to the seclusion of the back during great times of beer and bonfires, the passing cars brought a feeling of contempt. Curses of living on a main road, curses of being born too late.

For the first time in years, I noticed that they were no longer just above my head. Their branches stretching high above the power lines, the ones closest to the sun keeping the others from fully developing.

My own quasi-reality has distracted me from the true reality enveloping me. This has gotten out of hand and gone on long enough.

I need to work on my priorities.

I'd rather have an idea than a belief.

I believe certain atheists try far too hard to make a statement. Rather than just allow themselves to be happy and content with their beliefs, they try to solicit others to their state of mind. Their persistence to turn any conversation even closely related to religion into a debate is like that of a Jehova's Witness. Creating a religion in and of itself, the exact thing they claim to despise so very much.

It just makes... no sense to me. Any of of it, any beliefs outside of basic structure and kindness towards fellow man. What we have here is nonsense, billions of people fighting over the same thing for thousands of years. Who has bigger Gods (more money), and who has bigger dicks (bombs).

The company I keep

It's hard to make friends with this lifestyle. I go to bed when the average morning person is stumbling to the coffee pot. Living this way, you learn to appreciate 24 hour gas stations and diners. Dennys and IHOP's bottomless coffee pots keep me alive, and the graveyard shift gas attendants keep me company.

The average person doesn't actually sit down to have a conversation with these convenience store heroes. However, when it's 4 in the morning on your day (night) off, there really isn't much else to do other than drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, and shoot the shit with the few people still awake. The local Mobile seems to be a meeting place for anyone looking to kill time in those long hours between night and morning.

My job offered to move me to days, but I've grown too comfortable of this lifestyle. Though it may not be healthy, I love 90% of my co-workers and 30% of my bosses. The situation would be much different if I were to move to days, and I would have considerably less seniority. Rather than being noticed for the good things I do, I would merely become another pawn to be spat upon regularly. I don't plan on staying forever, but I like where I'm at right now.